Yeah this one right here goes out to all the White Women. Hey, girlies! I need you to take out your AirPods. I know; the grid is aligned! Hey listen, I started this fun new hobby recently and I immediately thought of you and how much you would rock this! So, I wanted to share my experience and hopefully that'll encourage you to try it out! And because I know how popular this will be once everyone finds out, I'm linking an instruction manual at the end so you can get a head start on honing those skills. And in honor of (y)our queen aligning the grid, I've left an Easter egg. Happy hunting, boss babes!
I Am For Real
As a single and child-free millennial woman, I scroll a lot on TikTok. I’m not a huge advocate for social media because it’s toxic, and I know I’m the current equivalent of when our mom’s joined Facebook, but the pandemic forced this extrovert to get creative with social interactions, especially after I was released from the hospital. But when I tell you how much I’ve grown from the exposure to black, indigenous, and people of color on this app… y’all, I couldn’t be more serious. TikTok is like a village, rooted in communities but with its fair share of idiots… and I was one of them. A few months ago there was a situation that unfolded on the app involving an indigenous man and a white woman (they/them). They tearfully accused him of violating their consent and I felt a lot of empathy because I too have been in situations where I've felt taken advantage of, sexually and otherwise. I saw this person as a victim and I was saddened for their experience. In the comments section, white women immediately banded together to “find the other woman” in pursuit of “justice”. These women were angry. The mob incorrectly identified the “other woman”, chosen simply because she was indigenous, and harassed her until her account was suspended; that behavior was unhinged and embarrassing. And that’s just Season 1 of the Womblands.
Other creators, specifically black, indigenous, and people of color, were discussing why the entire situation was problematic, focused on white women’s tears and accountability. I was appalled by this take initially. They were a victim and for anyone to question that, especially a woman, blew my mind. “Aren’t we still upholding ‘me too’?”, I thought. So, I posted a video on my page talking about how women support women - full stop. I was really proud of myself for voicing my opinion; so cringe, looking back. Why? After posting my video, I didn’t receive the support I had anticipated. I had a decent amount of views but hardly any likes or interactions. I found this confusing; my heart is in the right place so why was my message falling on deaf ears?! After all, I am a woman so who better to speak on this topic than me? The short answer was Women of Color.
I know Women of Color. I consider numerous my friends but we aren't incredibly close. I have gone to school, worked, volunteered, and socialized with Women of Color but I can't say I've made space for them in my circle. Making space means stepping outside of yourself and I'm a really selfish person. When I started my quest of self-discovery, I noticed rather quickly how homogenous my circle was. Like attracts like, so it wasn't surprising; but you don't grow when you surround yourself with people just like you. I was bored with my social interactions; tired of the dating-obsessed nature of daily conversations, the constant drinking and bar hopping solely for male attention, watching my friends get married and disappear into domestic life. I left every social encounter with a nagging feeling of unfulfillment; there has to be more to life than this. So I started shrinking it, intentionally removing myself from relationships that weren't pushing me in the direction I wanted to go. The only thing I had in common with most of these women was that we were white and single. It's socially acceptable to disappear when you get a boyfriend (because you should only focus on nurturing that relationship), so I knew that if I snuck out quietly no one would notice; I was right. My circle started to shrink and rapidly whittled down to just me. My circle had turned into a spotlight; I was standing center stage, alone. Looking back, it wasn't surprising that I was putting myself at the center of every situation even when I wasn't involved. What I needed was to stop talking and start listening.
Finally, I did. When I stopped centering myself and listened, I learned that I'm not the solution - I am literally the problem. White women's tears are both powerful and performative and the decision to post on social media endangered the life of an indigenous man without cause; any empathy I felt only furthered the problem. The white women “saviors” flooding the comments were attacking innocent women without cause or care. This "problem" distracted from the real issues being discussed on Native TikTok and suppressed Native voices within the conversation. There was more going on in this situation than a white woman's hurt feelings; it was imperative that I saw that. “Intersectionality is the acknowledgement that everyone has their own unique experiences of discrimination and oppression and we must consider everything and anything that can marginalize people – gender, race, class, sexual orientation, physical ability, etc.”, writes Bridie Taylor in her 2019 article, found here. When you only consider your experience in a situation, you center yourself instead of recognizing the intersectionality taking place. Everything isn’t about you. So I listened, learned, removed my original video, and posted an apology. As embarrassing as it is for me to share that story, I’m taking one for Team Women because I don’t think many of you are actively listening to Women of Color either and that needs to change; right now. Active listening is making a conscious effort to hear, understand, and retain information that’s being relayed to you. It involves more than just listening to the words being said. Let's practice our active listening.
Never Meant to Make Your Daughter Cry
When I heard about the leaked draft opinion on Monday night, ironically after having dinner with a friend who is expecting her first child, a girl, I cried; a lot. In full transparency, I’ve been crying. My job is really demanding as of late and I’m struggling to stay afloat. I’m still on my journey of self-discovery and while I’m on a good path that doesn’t mean I have everything figured out; becoming the best version of yourself is hard work! The news of Alito’s opinion felt like a coup de grace; I vote pro-choice, volunteer, donate, advocate… and none of it prevented this impending doom. I wrestled with feelings of helplessness and an agitation to do something, anything. Maybe you felt that way too.
I learned about the Mothers Day Strike at the height of my restlessness and it validated my feelings. Finally, an opportunity to take action instead of just sharing instagram stories and DMs! "Do I strike? March? Both? Are we fighting? Burning couches?! What if I get arrested?..." I was feeling overwhelmed, emotional, and indecisive so I turned to the black, indigenous, people of color creators on TikTok for answers. They all had the same one, which made understanding and retaining the message easy: don’t count us in for this. Hmm. Then, right on queue, white women’s frustration boiled over in the comments. They started chastising and ostracizing these women simply for choosing not to participate. Just like in the Womblands, they were picking fights with innocent Women of Color and terrorizing them because they disagreed; absolutely unhinged. Ladies, if you join this strike and lose your job will those asking for your participation support you, financially or otherwise? The answer is no. In fact, the organizers suggest that if you can’t take off work to strike then just… don’t. I’m no expert, but participation cannot be optional and simultaneously effective; that’s not how a strike works. Effective strikes take time, often years, to plan and require established systems of mutual aid. Where is the intersectionality in this strike? It doesn’t exist because it is white women's knee-jerk reaction to the leaked opinion. This strike is selfish, performative, and negates decades of work by Women of Color. These are not my ideas; they are the truths I have learned from Women of Color.
If you want to march in organized protest that’s your choice, but I’m begging y’all to leave the cosplay at home. The pink hats, The Handmaid’s Tale outfits - it’s giving SuperStar and not in an endearing Molly Shannon type of way. Those pieces of clothing are performative and centering; this isn’t about you. Furthermore, the entirety of The Handmaid's Tale is problematic and white-washed; you can read more about that here. Women of Color don’t have to imagine a dystopian future if Roe is overturned because it is literally their lived experience in America. If the draft opinion stands, I will still be able to get an abortion. I'm privileged. I’m a white woman with disposable income, above average resources, and a supportive community. Abortions aren’t going away if Roe is overturned, they’ll just be more scarce and less safe which will disproportionately impact Women of Color; but that’s the case for most of the laws governing these lands and y'all haven't cared before… so why now?
For male attention. The patriarchy and white supremacy are two sides of the same coin. We want male attention because it draws us closer to the power white men hold. In a society that continuously takes away what little rights we have, it seems that we’ve decided it’s better to fly too close to the sun and get burned than to freeze alone on the cold, hard ground. Come on, be honest, you want to go to that protest because you want men to take you seriously; but you know deep, deep down that they won’t. When have they ever? Is it just now becoming clear to you that men view you as less of a human? Bless your heart. Sweetie - men aren’t listening, they do not care, and centering yourself in everything that’s happening won’t change that. The patriarchy has conditioned us to believe that power equals control, but what y’all fail to see is that control is not a two-way street; it’s trickle down economics. White men live in castles by the sea and choose when and to what degree their tides come in; but we fill our birdbaths with their water so they control not only our ability to fly, but to survive. They watch us fight each other for what little control they’ve tossed our way, like hungry street pigeons squawking and clawing each other for their crumbs. Was it a coincidence that the draft opinion was leaked the same night as The Met Gala? I have to think it wasn't, because the irony is too good to be coincidental. The theme was too obvious, though; Gilded Glamour. Too subtle; it should have been Let Them Eat Cake. We were so hungry for the fashion and the glitz and to escape our mundane existence and live vicariously through celebrities; starved, almost as if we'd survived only on crumbs for the weeks prior (looking squarely at you, Kim Kardashian). Our generation has been conditioned to live off crumbs and an unreliable fresh water source and to call it happiness. That generational trauma can stop with us, but we have to acknowledge that it exists and just how early it starts.
From birth, white women are conditioned to desire two things: a husband and children. We have not evolved past this mindset and if you think we have then you’re not listening. Yes, we can go to school and earn degrees and hold jobs, bank accounts, mortgages, aren’t we so cute… but is your life really fulfilled if you aren’t married and having children? No shade to those for whom these decisions fit, but critically think for a minute about how many times you’ve been asked if you have a boyfriend, are you getting a boyfriend, getting married, having kids, more kids? My own grandmother called me a loser for not having a boyfriend back in college; joke's on her because I still don't. My friend from Monday, expecting her first child, has already been asked when she’s having her next. How many times have you asked a woman these questions? A young girl? Get an education, but don’t be too smart or you’ll be intimidating and men won’t like you. If you’re unsatisfied with your sex life don’t tell the man; better to fake your orgasm than bruise his ego. Get a job, but don’t be upset when men take credit for your work; they’re in charge. We teach girls that competition is healthy, especially when in pursuit of a man, but that we should always let the man win. We let men gaslight us into thinking we are the problem just because our decision didn't please them and we'll change everything about ourselves before we second guess the opinion of a man. We are culpable. We are not the solution... we are the problem.
Single, child-free women are the happiest subgroup in the population (can confirm) and other women still take every opportunity to diminish their experience and dismiss their feelings because it doesn’t involve a man. We uplift the women who men find most attractive and consistently alter our beauty standards to accommodate those preferences, all the while mimicking and simultaneously degrading how Women of Color show up in the world. Their hair, their lips, their bodies, their outfits, their dancing, their attitude, their voices… their very existence; and it isn’t just critiqued, it’s criminalized. I remember disliking Zendaya for years after she wore dreadlocks to a red carpet. I hated my appearance because I thought that’s why men didn’t like me, only listened to women who met the conventional beauty standard, and felt so controlled in my environment that my only outlet was trying to control others. All that brought me was further unhappiness because you can’t control other people no matter how hard you try. Women of Color are not protected from hair discrimination in 42 states because of women like me, who would rather criticize them than respect their decision-making. Y'all it's just hair; we have to stop policing how others style and wear their own, especially people of color. Instead of focusing my trauma on a Woman of Color I should have been healing it; and in an utterly karmic turn of events, the one who actually smells like patchouli and weed… is me.
My fellow White Women. Please stop assuming you are qualified to speak on a topic just because you’re a woman. Stop saying you’re not surprised; that others you in the conversation while also suggesting you knew you could do more and didn’t. Stop comparing the potential of this draft opinion to the current day trauma of Women of Color. Saying things like "you can't even harvest organs from a corpse without their consent" diminishes the experience of women like Henrietta Lacks, who unknowingly donated her body to medical research; research that continues to this day, without any compensation to her family. Don’t get lost in the Womblands. You cannot defend a white woman while attacking a Woman of Color; that's not how this women supporting women thing works. We are culpable because we are white women and we have to take accountability for our own. I joined a TikTok live yesterday; surprisingly, my first. I was impressed, humbled, and enamored with all three creators; Women of Color. I left an agreeable comment a couple minutes into the conversation because I was fired up - hell yea, what she said! The next moment I saw moderators asking white people, specifically, to stop commenting - this live was an invitation to listen only. So, I did what they asked; I stopped commenting and just listened. It was easy. Then I saw the comment pop up again and again. White people ignored the instruction and some even dressed it up as an apology. "Oops, sorry! My bad!" Y'all. Stop. They asked you not to comment so just... don't comment. Full transparency, when I saw the moderators ask us the second time I cried. I cried because these creators gave anyone who was interested their time, truth, education, and emotional labor and we wouldn't respect their boundaries. They created a community of which I was humbled and elated to join and yet, in true white women fashion, here we come to the comments; not listening and feeling offended when asked. This level of entitlement is tone deaf - you’ve never had an original thought in your entire life, why do you think anyone cares what you have to say? This is not about you. Decenter yourself and start listening to Women of Color.
I Apologize a Trillion Times
I grabbed dinner with a girlfriend midweek and we talked about the Women’s Strike, Roe, and just how hard it is to be a woman, in general and at present. I shared my frustrations, ideas, desire for change, and confusion about the correct next steps. She shared that she wasn't going to strike and I admitted feelings of guilt if I didn't; we are both white. I want to do something, but I also want to do the right thing; she agreed. When we left there was a lingering sentiment that the universe always provides, so I whispered my daily affirmations on the walk to my car. I often turn to my affirmations for grounding, though it felt more like a cry for help than reassurance that night. I don’t have all the answers, but my heart’s in the right place and I want to help. “Show me how good it gets.” The next day, I saw a TikTok comment recommending the Black Reproductive Justice Policy Agenda. If I was introduced to this before, I wasn’t listening; not actively. I'm actively listening now and wow... I am awestruck.
“Reproductive Justice (RJ) is a collective framework grounded in human rights and Black Feminist theory that centers the intersectional impact of race and gender in one’s ability to live free from individual-, community-, and state-sanctioned oppression so that we can create and nurture the family of their choosing and achieve optimum mental, physical, community, and economic health.
This theory was birthed by 12 Black women in 1994 as the United States (U.S.) contemplated a plan for universal health care without acknowledging or rectifying the dual health care system in place that failed to address racial and gender health disparities. Since that time, RJ has grown to include countless unrelenting advocates and activists who fight not only for the right to health care and equity in housing, education, and employment practices, but also for access to these social, economic, political, and cultural supports. Black women, femmes, girls, and gender-expansive people in the U.S. have been marginalized for too long—often fighting for our lives and that of our families’ very survival while others stood by and watched.”
I could not read this agenda fast enough and have already revisited multiple times. The agenda is masterful, comprehensive, and its implementation is long overdue. I was humbled in my reading, not only by their words but the necessity. This agenda is born out of the cruelty, inequality, and violence that our patriarchal and white supremacist society has cultivated; we are responsible for every mistreatment that warrants these policies. Yet, Women of Color included every person in their recommendations; they didn’t leave anyone out, even when they have every reason. This brought me to tears. But the agenda isn’t just a document; it is a call to action. Women of Color commit their emotional, physical, and intellectual labor to improving America, for everyone, every single day. They are working, educating, advocating, and we have to join them. I have stood by and watched. I am culpable. So are you. Swallow your pride and listen to their stories, in their own words. They aren’t strong, they’re resilient and they only have to be because of us.
Like me, many of you are looking for something to do amidst the chaos and uncertainty of the last week. Instead of striking and marching, please read the Black Reproductive Justice Policy Agenda. This is the instruction manual; practice your active listening. Read it, absorb their words, talk about it with your circle, and really sit with the parts you don’t yet understand. You'll get there; if you’re uncomfortable, you’re getting closer. If you feel attacked or victimized, take a breath and decenter yourself. Remember, this isn’t about you; it’s about us. ALL OF US. You can’t spell Uterus without us, y'all - or do you only care about your own? Women of Color have labored emotionally, mentally, physically, economically, and spiritually for hundreds of years in this country while we sat and watched. We have to step up and step in; there is work to do and it starts with us. Women of Color should lead us in bringing our country to its full potential and I will humbly serve as their foot soldier because their cause is my cause and it's the only thing worth fighting for. White women: give Women of Color the spotlight. Let them stand center stage and wait in the wings for your cue.